


For the Moment

by Pastelbirb (orphan_account)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: LGBTQA Characters, M/M, Multi, Rating May Change, like... almost all of them are lgbtqa+, probably more relationships but I haven't decided yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-22 12:29:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9607661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Pastelbirb
Summary: A series of thematic one-shots set in the same universe. Glimpses, from different angles





	1. Prologue - Tenses

**Author's Note:**

> This series is being brought to existence thanks to Will

Press pause but don't stop. A self-contradiction dressed up as a possibility. Or maybe the opposite. The world keeps turning as Seungcheol raises the camera and captures his friends in a now that will last forever but has already passed. A present turned past, but the tense doesn't matter much when Jisoo's eyes shine like they contain an entire future within them. 

He doesn't love Jisoo more, but he loves him differently - more excitedly, more passionately, more like the songs Jihoon writes about things he doesn't understand. Seungcheol does now, though, and while he used to think maybe they were a little over the top he doesn't think so any more. It amazes him how Jihoon can be so accurate in describing something he has never experienced. 

The picture ends up one of his favourites. He doesn't post it on twitter - prefers to keep Jisoo's smile and Minghao looking small and soft in a large sweater and Mingyu's ridiculously happy puppy-like grin to himself. Instead, he prints it out and sticks it on their refrigerator so he can see it every day. He's proud of them. 

They all call him the dad of the group, and, well, sometimes they mean it as a joke, but Seungcheol has watched them all grow up and isn't that what fathers do? If this doesn't make him a dad - seeing them every day, being there for them always (even in the middle of the night when he has just fallen asleep and Hansol is pushing himself into the too-small space between him and Jisoo because Seungkwan said he wasn't brave enough to watch that horror movie), giving them advice and helping them follow it and loving them unconditionally even when they don't, then what will?

His friends already say he's like a dad, so Seungcheol takes their family picture and sticks it on the fridge. It blends well with the shopping lists and post-it notes and that one drawing Junhui made of Seokmin that's so horrible but somehow so hilariously accurate that no one can bring themselves to take it down. 

It all fits together very well.


	2. Part 1 - Pulse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seungcheol is confused a lot and Junhui is that one friend who just Knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a beta reader and I'm sorry

It begins with a bang - quite literally, the hilarity of which passes right over Seungcheol's head like Jihoon's shoe, if Jihoon's shoe had passed over his head instead of hitting it. Seungcheol will never think to compare the resulting thud of shoe against skull to that of heart against ribcage as Jisoo drags elegant fingers across his scalp to make sure he's okay, but the similarity lingers like an unspoken promise.

Jihoon is annoyed because Seungcheol zoned out while they were discussing lyrics. He is rarely one to draw attention to his own happiness, but lately he hasn't seemed very happy at all and Seungcheol has been wondering if it's caused by something more than just personality. He takes a closer look at his groupmate, and decides that no, Jihoon's usual grumpiness doesn't look like this. He seems tired.

Seungcheol immediately wants to talk about it, to get things out in the open where he doesn't have to squint to see hidden meanings, but even before his mouth opens Jihoon's face has closed off. In fact, Jihoon was probably done with this conversation before it even had the potential of existing. He resolves to save it for later, when they are not surrounded by people and Jihoon might relax his emotionless facade a little bit.

Meanwhile, Jisoo's hand is still in his hair. It's really distracting, which reminds Seungcheol why he lost his grip on Jihoon's words to begin with. They were working on a song when Jisoo came in. The light in their kitchen is just a little sharper than ideal, and while it makes everyone else look sallow and watered-out, the glaring lamplight only seemed to fuel the glint in Jisoo's eyes. Seungcheol hadn't really noticed how Jisoo seemed to shine until then, but now he found himself struggling to look away. In some corner of his mind he wondered if looking at the boy for too long would make his eyes hurt.

It didn't, but Jisoo's bright teeth as he smiled at him made his heart clench painfully instead.

Which brings him to the current situation. Jihoon and him are trying to write a song, Jisoo's hand is in his hair and Jihoon is annoyed with him for being distracted by Jisoo's hand in his hair when they are trying to write a song. It's a song about looking at a person so wonderful the rest of the world fades away.

It's far from finished yet. Seungcheol knows all the lines by heart.

He finds the lyrics hard to interpret, but he has been writing them on his sleeve for a long time. His feelings are smudged like ink on the back of his hand and he can feel them against his pulse. They seem made to fit the rhythm of the beating of his heart. Which might be just as well, because the whooshing of blood in his ears is the only thing he hears and it's going to be hard to ever rap to anything else.

Jisoo leaves them to their writing not long after, but he stays in Seungcheol's thoughts for the rest of the night.

The next day is a blur of interviews and dance rehearsals and pictures and a schedule that makes it hard to breathe even though Seungcheol's chest doesn't feel tight the way it sometimes does. Seungcheol doesn't really notice it, though. It's nothing compared to the way the air leaves his lungs all at once that one time Jisoo looks his way and - well, that's all he does. Jisoo looks his way and Seungcheol's breath gets taken away and he wants them to stay close forever.

Something is flowing through his veins and threatening to burst them and he kind of wants to turn his body inside out just so he can get a closer look and figure out what it is.

Turns out he doesn't have to, because Junhui does it for him.

When the day finally ends (although technically it's already tomorrow by now), the dancer joins him in the bathroom as he's getting ready for bed. Seungcheol is brushing his teeth, and Junhui, because he is evil, probably, chooses this exact moment to inform Seungcheol that he's in love with Jisoo. This confuses Seungcheol, and he tells Junhui that he must be wrong because he is fairly sure that he is exclusively attracted to girls, and Jisoo might be elegant and gentle and pretty - beautiful, even - but he is definitely not a girl.

In reality, the conversation goes something like this:

Junhui, smirking: "So you wanna get down and dirty with Jisoo, huh?"

It's a statement more than a question. Seungcheol responds by choking and getting toothpaste all over his shirt. Junhui keeps smirking, now with an added arched eyebrow.

Seungcheol, with toothpaste dribbling down his chin: "I don't - what?"

He really values his communication skills.

At this point Seungcheol considers moving the conversation somewhere else, but in an apartment with eleven other people the bathroom is actually their best shot at privacy. In the end he locks the door and figures that's as good as it's gonna get. The bathroom isn't exactly soundproof, but Junhui is much better at indoor voices than Soonyoung is.

"Im not gay," Seungcheol hisses, as soon as he has listened to make sure no one is outside the door. Junhui shrugs. "I never said you were".

"But-"

"Seungcheol," Junhui interrupts, and Seungcheol appreciates the effort he seems to be putting into not rolling his eyes. "Being attracted to a guy doesn't automatically make you gay".

"It doesn't?"

"Um. No?" Apparently this is obvious and something Seungcheol should already know. He goes quiet for a while, trying to figure out what that would mean, and after a few moments Junhui's expression seems to soften. "Look. It might seem like I was teasing you - and I was, because let's face it, that's just what I do - but there's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone of the same gender"

Seungcheol doesn't disagree with this, he just never thought it would apply to him. Now that the possibility has been suggested to him, though, he's starting to reconsider.

"So..." he begins, and then goes quiet and looks down at his hands, fidgets with the edge of his sleeves because this feels sudden and unfamiliar and scary. Seungcheol doesn't feel like the oldest right now. "I.. like Jisoo?"

"I can't answer that, Seungcheol. But it seems like it, yeah". Seungcheol thinks about this, and finds that it makes a lot of sense. Well, except for one thing. "I've only ever been attracted to girls".

"Dude, sexuality isn't a box you check. There's like, endless nuances, plus it's all fluid and shit. Maybe you're bi. Maybe there's no point putting a label on yourself". If Jisoo was here he would almost definitely reprimand Junhui for cursing, but Seungcheol is busy wondering how he knows so much about this stuff. He wants to ask him, but is interrupted by someone knocking on the door.

"We should go to bed," Junhui suggests, and yeah, that sounds reasonable. They exit the bathroom (Seungkwan tells them they've taken _forever_ and rushes inside to use the toilet), and head towards their respective bedrooms. Just before he enters his room, though, something occurs to Seungcheol.

"Hey Junhui?" he calls. Junhui stops, halfway through the door. "Yeah?"

"How did you know?"

"Oh," Junhui smiles. "Takes one to know one, isn't that how you say it?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what I'm doing hahaha


	3. Part 2 - Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisoo expects too much of himself, but Chan does too

Several members of Seventeen struggle under the pressure sometimes. Some feel the thousands of eyes that are always watching them like needles to their skin, pinning them in an uncomfortable place where they had no intention to linger. Some of them can never give enough of themselves, handing out their smiles and sense of self to strangers for free. Some of them are constantly chipping away at the space they will allow themselves to fill, slowly shrinking in everyone's eyes but their own as they stare back critically from behind the cold glass of their mirror prison.

Chan has always been good at staying calm even when the hard edges of the world are pressing too close. He is the youngest of them, but he is not yet struggling to meet the eyes of his mirror self. Straight back, strong legs, steady, steady, Chan can be leaned on, won't fall over, bends but doesn't break.

Sometimes he bleeds when he tries to pick his friends up from the floor. Cuts himself on the shards if he isn't careful, but Chan glues them back together to the best of his ability and puts on band-aids when he's done.

He is the youngest, but it's been years since he was a child. The youngest, but Chan will always be mature if he has to. The youngest, but sometimes big brothers need a shoulder to cry on too.

Somewhere along the road Chan became someone the group feel they can confide in. He never betrays their secrets. He doesn't _seek_ to know their secrets either, but somehow he has ended up knowing more about his group's insecurities, regrets and wishes than anyone else does.

Junhui and he are similar in that way. They both know so much about their friends, but where Junhui can take one look at someone and just _know_ , prides himself on being able to read people, can understand a person almost better than they themselves do just by observing, Chan learns about his friends because they trust him enough to expose themselves for him.

Junhui says it's because he's just a genuinely good person.

Soonyoung cried about it once.

He was trying so hard to be a good leader for the performance unit, to juggle all the expectations without being distracted by the pressure coming from every direction, all the while putting up a brave and confident front so no one would ever doubt he can be trusted with the responsibility - but when Minghao feels lonely he goes to Chan and Soonyoung felt like he had failed.

It's not fair, he said, how he tries so hard, and yet Chan is just better than him. Chan hugged him while he talked. Suggested that maybe someone else being better doesn't mean he isn't good enough. He told Soonyoung that he's a great leader, and aren't leaders supposed to delegate the responsibility anyway? He's doing a good job. They're all doing a good job.

Not all of them are comfortable with how much like porcelain they are. Perfect, maybe, or something close to it, but oh so fragile. The more of yourself you invest in succeeding, the longer the drop when you don't, and Jihoon is at a point where Chan thinks he won't be able to catch him anymore. If Jihoon slips, the way to the bottom is long enough that the fall would leave him in pieces too small for even Chan to put together again. If he slips - and therefore they all try to support him so he won't.

Point being, Chan has seen all of his friends in various stages of upset. He doesn't think he's ever seen any of them as beside themselves as this, though. Jisoo has shaken a lot of his shyness since their debut, but when he's feeling down he'll regress to his quieter self - seems younger, somehow, but not in a way that Chan has missed.

Jisoo is the kind of person who squirms with guilt at the mere thought of being an inconvenience. As far as Chan can tell (and Junhui agrees) he seems to think that sharing his troubles is somehow incompatible with his mission to not be a bother, never that, don't get in anyone's way, their needs are more important than your own, let the others go first, "I'm a gentleman".

Along with this fear, although Jisoo would never want to admit it (might not even be aware of it), comes the need to be _liked_. By everyone. It has nothing to do with vanity or popularity, and everything to do with an exacting definition of what it means to be a good person. On those rare occasions when someone seems to not like him, this is interpreted as "what did I do wrong" rather than the "we're just different" most people would arrive at. Of course, part of being a good person means that Jisoo doesn't hold anyone but himself to this ridiculous standard.

All of this adds up to a tendency to keep any negative feelings to himself. You can tell that Jisoo is upset by the fact that he doesn't seem upset at all, really. There's an unnatural absence of negativity, but you won't notice it, because he doesn't like to hide things, so he chooses to hide the fact that he's hiding something by simply hiding himself. He goes quiet, lingers in the background. Being a gentleman seems terribly complicated when half of the emotional spectrum is deemed ungentlemanly.

It's really difficult for Chan to help Jisoo when he's upset, because he trusts that his members will appreciate that he's being polite, and when the options it gives him are either to be revealed as anything less than perfectly agreeable or to lie (which is, of course, terribly rude), addressing the problem becomes an ultimatum in itself.

This, and the fact the he doesn't really know what the problem is, is why Chan hasn't said anything yet. Instead, he waits. And waits, and then waits some more. And Jisoo keeps deflecting any worry headed in his direction him with a smile that is more a reflection of everyone else's happiness rather than an expression of his own.

The waiting ends when one day Jisoo enters his room, sits down on his bed, and promptly begins to cry.

"I think maybe you should talk to Junhui," Chan says, because while he is good at comforting, he is less good at problem solving, especially when the person with the problem refuses to say anything about what it is that has to be solved. Jisoo, to his credit, doesn't even try to deny that there is something he needs to talk about, which Chan was sort of expecting him to do.

He nods miserably, the light from Chan's bedside lamp reflecting off his wet cheeks. Chan suddenly understands a little better why someone might feel a duty to hide their troubles from the world, because never before has a sadness been so painful to witness. Jisoo is more than three years older than him, but right now he can't help but think that he looks very young. It scares him, because in the last few years of high demands and higher stakes, dizzying uncertainty and difficult choices, it's the firm belief that he is surrounded by elders that will _know what to do_ that has allowed him to remain virtually unshaken.

Jisoo's hands shake as they grab at the blanket, and Chan leaves the room with the feeling of having looked through a clean window that he never even realized used to be smudged.

"Jisoo is crying in my room," Chan states when he finds Junhui reading a magazine in the kitchen, and Junhui somehow looks surprised and not surprised at all at the same time. The unhesitant "I'll handle it" makes the ground feel a little more steady underneath his feet. Junhui will handle it. There are twelve people here who are older than him, and maybe he wasn't even fooling himself in thinking that they would never waver, but maybe he didn't realize how little it matters, either.

Junhui will handle it. He leaves his magazine on the kitchen table, but takes his tea with him as he goes to talk to Jisoo. It's going to be alright.

Chan remains where he is for a while, chatting with the other members whenever they happen to stop by the kitchen, but mostly just staring at the shelves and wondering whether Jisoo is doing okay.

There is some space left on the shelf where they keep their glasses. They're 13 boys living together in a small space. They drop glasses on the floor sometimes, knock them over and spill the contents all over the floor - messes are a regular occurrence. He doesn't really know how many they used to have, has no idea who bought them. He wonders who is going to pay when they run out of glasses and have to buy new ones.

Junhui is going to handle it, he knows, but Chan feels bad about not being able to help, so after staring at the kitchen interior for a while longer he goes back to his room.

Jisoo is still crying when he sits down beside him on the bed, but the saltwater seems less sharp, doesn't look like it stings him as it rolls down his cheeks. Jisoo even manages a weak smile, and he doesn't point out that it's just as transparent as the tears still in his friend's eyes.

It isn't always easy for the older members to feel like they need comfort from someone younger than them, so sometimes Chan will pretend that he doesn't want to sleep alone, just so that they won't have to. Jisoo stays in his bed that night, and Junhui doesn't comment on it as he leaves. He sleeps on his side, back turned towards Chan.

Except he isn't really sleeping, Chan can tell from how his breathing his slow in a way that's more forced than relaxed, unnaturally even.

"Hyung," he whispers, because he thinks Jisoo probably needs to feel like he is still the oldest, still in control of the situation in some way. "What did you and Junhui talk about?"

He waits for an answer without expecting too much, knows that Jisoo's conscience might not let him drop his burdens on another one of his friends. Jisoo sighs deeply, and it seems that his conscience is too tired from always being considerate, is taking a break tonight and letting him handle things on his own.

"I was scared. I still am, I guess, but a little bit less than before." Jisoo says this without turning around, and Chan doesn't make an attempt to see his face. "I'm probably gay." A pause. "No, I'm definitely gay."

It was raining earlier, and the window is covered in droplets that one by one slide soundlessly down the glass and disappear.

"That's okay," Chan murmurs, and doesn't really know what he's going to say if that isn't enough. "I know," Jisoo replies.

"My parents have always said that love in all its forms is the greatest thing you can bring to the world. It's the essence of christianity, so they don't see how it can ever be wrong. I agree."

"But?"

"But not everyone agrees. A lot of their friends from church have very strong opinions. And, well, it's not like I could ever be open about it, anyway. Not without ruining my own and all of your careers." A silence follows in which they both acknowledge the truth in this.

"You could tell the others, if you want to." The moment he says this Chan realizes what Jisoo is really afraid of. "They wouldn't like you any less for it."

"You don't know that."

"You'd be surprised." Because, well, Chan really _does_ know that. He knows a lot of things.

Jisoo doesn't answer, but the line of his shoulders seems a little less razor-sharp. In the quiet that follows the sound of his breathing softens, and the evenness of his breaths becomes more automatic but less mechanical.

Several members of Seventeen struggle under the pressure sometimes. Chan does, too. His arms are full of confessions, vulnerabilities - glass. The weight of it is getting pretty substantial, difficult to carry without losing his grip and watching one of his friends slip out of his hands. It's not a job he has to do alone, but he puts a lot of energy into it nonetheless. He is steadier than the most of them, the one best suited for the task.

They're 13 people, though. No one is going to end up in fragments on the linoleum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a really slow writer and this took sO MUCH TIME to finish (it doesn't really help that I'm still not sure what this fic is about)
> 
> Also, for anyone interested, here's a link to my seventeen art  
> http://simarie.tumblr.com/tagged/seventeen


End file.
